Four days ago I had the sudden urge to do something that I’ve been putting off for several years. I’ve always wanted to cut my hair into a girlie Mohawk.

And I have always almost hated my hair went it is at its longest. I end up just putting the whole thing into a bun, wherein it takes all day to properly dry. What a waste of hair. Mine is too thick and too heavy for me to enjoy it.  The first thing that came to mind, with both my family and I, was that short hair could “ruin my image”.  That has been the key factor in why I have been avoiding this change from the beginning. Why should I have to have only long hair to attain roles?  Why should my career balance on such a stereo-typical image?  An Indian woman without long hair in Hollywood is just something that is not accepted.

“LIKE I CARE!!!” was my answer. So four days ago I went to the first hair-stylist I could find and chopped off years of boring hair. I was fed up.
 
 I do believe that hair can carry negative energy. And when it was buzzed down to nothing I felt so good!  A weight was taken off my shoulders. A fragile freedom took me over. All that hair had been caging me in and I felt like I was finally set free! Everyone else said that it would be “too drastic” or “limiting.”  I said, “Tough.”  But when I returned, everyone agreed that it was a cute, new look and not such a big deal after all.

When in the shower the next morning, I had poured my usual quarter-of-a-pint of shampoo and was pleasantly surprised and reminded of my buzz-cut. The water felt so good on my scalp. The heaviness was no where to be found. And I am still enjoying rubbing my hand over my head. I love it.
 
All of this image talk brought me back into memories of my work. Image taboo number two is weight. I admit that at times I didn’t have the healthiest diet (dreamkeeper chubby). And I will admit that I too have dabbled, but not entirely have taken up eating disorders, since entering the biz. But I have always struggled between the two. One part of me says, “Live life! Eat pasta and use glorious butter on everything!” while another part says, “Are you crazy? Banish carbs and evil sugars! Live like every other actress, scavenging by on light salads and diet coke.
 
I love cheese pizza, pancakes, French-fries and chocolate, but in my career, that’s not allowed. In fact, it’s extremely frowned upon. And I found myself in entirely two different places: starving and stick-thin, or chubby with fat upper-arms. So the fitness regime was built up to boot-camp style workouts and the diet would be focused on detox.

I’m a passionate person. I am always hot or cold; never lukewarm. But I also have a very bad habit that I’ve been trying to break for years. You see, since the age of eight I’ve suffered from depression and stomach problems.  I had ulcers by the age of twelve and acid reflux disease by the age of sixteen. There were a lot of times that I could not eat at all, and then there were times when one saltine cracker got me full. For eight years I suffered nausea, vomiting and terrible erosions on my esophagus. Coughing up blood wasn’t so fun either. I remember the first time I was able to eat breakfast; a normal breakfast. I was seventeen. 
 
So comes the guilt that draws me in.  When one has experienced starvation, one cannot so easily forget it. Sometimes, I cannot waste food. If I am offered some, I take it, even if I don’t feel very hungry. I am trying to break this habit, and am happy to say that I’m finding a balance.
 
After Dreamkeeper, I became a health nut and stayed away from processed foods.  I hated seeing our people portrayed as “a bunch of fat Indians.”  I decided not to portray this horrible image any longer.  I began to work out to the point of fainting and sickness. This new found perspective brought me into a place where I was concerned not only for my health, but for all Natives. I’m all for “fry-bread power”, but I don’t think anyone should eat it daily.  I visit a lot of reservations where foods like fire-hot Cheetos, pizza and Mountain Dew make a meal. On the other hand, I do love banick-bread, macaroni soup and commodity cheese. My mom’s dumpling soup could make any mouth water.

But then I look around myself and see that a lot of our people are over-weight.  I did some research and found that over 60% of Native Americans are overweight, and 18% are morbidly obese.  I also found that the new generation of children in elementary school has the highest average weight than ever before.  When children are obese, it’s time to take a look at things.
 
Most of the Native movies today show obesity in an accepted and/or ignored state. I feel bad every time I watch Dreamkeeper and see my chubby face; though I was only one hundred-twenty-five pounds. But we all know that the camera adds ten-pounds. But that excuse only works for a small percentage of actors.  The others can only say, “Yeah, I’m overweight. I eat too-much fry-bread and I don’t work-out.” Amen to that.
 
All this concern was getting to me. I was so unhappy with both sides.  I started to ask, “Where does this all come from?”  I began to look back. Not at the last decade. Not even the last century, but at the days before white-men annihilated our people.I studied several tribes’ diets and found some interesting facts. Every tribe had a high-protein, low-carb diet with a great amount of daily exercise. The men were fit, muscular and had tons of energy.  Even the women were strong enough to put up tipis and, cut wood and tackle other heavy chores on a daily basis. The foods were wheat, berries, game-meat, fresh herbs, lots of water, roots, fruit, vegetables and natural teas.  Our people had good teeth, healthy hair, strong bones and very little acne.  Men could run fifteen miles with ease.  This is a pride that our people lost in the transitions of reservations, small-pox and government rations.
 
The types of government rations given to our people were of the lowest quality. Scrap meats from cows and pigs, flour, refined sugars and oils, cheese and butter. In that barren time our people made due with what they had.  Thus came the birth of heavy, starchy foods like fry-bread, stews, jams and animal fat. This all brought our people through the next century to where we are now.  The fry-bread grease is still sizzling daily; the fatty meat used in almost every meal. 

And like the whole of America, we’ve become addicted to junk-food.  It’s no surprise that there is such a high percentage of diabetes and high-cholesterol among most tribes. I talked this all over with an elder and got the answer: “That was the sneakiest way that the whites used to kill our people.  And they kill us to this day.”  I agree, but I also believe that we are killing ourselves.
 
So, back to the present, or at least the near past…  I see myself disgusted by both worlds.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen actresses gagging with their fingers down their throat and their skeletal frames carrying baggy clothes and thin hair. In the times when I chose to be anorexic, I felt so weak and tired.  I turned down food and swallowed the guilt all in the name of “perfection”. Some told me to smoke to keep hunger away, which I turned down.

I was given other crazy suggestions on how to keep from gaining weight.  One was to eat toilet paper, another was to eat cigarettes that would make me sick or cotton balls dipped in orange juice.  Others were stupid, like: pushing my food around to make it look like I had eaten, pouring chemicals like nasal-spray, contact solution and rat poison over any meal to keep myself from eating it.  I even visited the pro-anna sites that promote anorexia as a positive life-style and printed self-talks that would motivate me to stay thin.  At a hotel once, I saw an actress in a bikini, and believe me, the sight was sickening.  She looked like that woman in those rubbish magazines with front pages flaunting pictures of “World’s Most Skeletal Woman!”  I could count her ribs and see her hip-bones poking out like sharp knives.  I immediately quit my starvation diet and had a turkey sandwich after seeing her.
 
So, where is the balance? I’m still not exactly sure. As an actress, I entered this field fully knowing that being under-weight is and will always be a key to success. But around my family and friends I am told that this is insane and un-healthy.
 
Since I decided to focus more on screenwriting, I have let myself gain some weight. I eat pizza, ice cream and cheese burgers, but am not overdosing on any of the three. Most of all, my diet is healthy and normal. And if my new hairstyle causes me to lose work, I accept that and will enjoy every minute of it. I am trying to find my way to a place where I can eat enough without killing myself at the gym.  But for the time-being, I think that walking a tight-rope between both with a lot of exercise is the answer. I’m an actress, and with that come certain responsibilities. I’ll continue to battle between giving myself a little treat here and there and keeping my feet on the ground.
 
After all is said and done, I believe in health for our people. Fry-bread once in a while is no sin. Neither is a good detox and water-cleansing for our bodies.  I don’t want to be fat, but I don’t want to be un-happy and miserable either. What is worse for a working actress? I honestly think gaining weight is the worst… But that’s just me.
 
P.S.~~
When my hair was cut, the stylist said that since it was so long, healthy and thick that it could be used to make free wigs for young cancer patients. I signed the papers and told them, “The pleasure is all mine.”  And that’s the truth.